What? Pregnant?!

SO I AM PREGNANT!!!

So, basically.. I need a place to go and kind of just vent. Express my feeling and thoughts without having a journal around lol. SO here I am. 

I am currently 17 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I know pretty far along to be starting a blog about it.. but like I said, I just needed a place I could find comfort in that I didn't want to express on my youtube channels. 

My pregnancy has been pretty normal. No morning sickness, little to no symptoms. A perfect pregnancy as most would see it. So, why I am I so unhappy?? Let me tell you...

I have had Anorexia Nervosa since about the age of 14. This was still a current problem when I conceived. I was okay at first. Thought the weight gain would be good.. something I would have to handle in order to carry out such a blessing.. well... that was 19 pounds ago.. now.. I am having an extremely hard time with the body changes, the lack of control, the PTSD, the anxiety, and the depression. 

I want so badly to lose the weight, and have convinced myself that I can do so safely. I mean 19 pounds?! thats INSANE! baby or not, that weight is too much. I hate it, I hate myself. I want more than nothing to be able to go back and numb my pain with my starvation and laxative abuse. I want things to go back to the way they were.. where at least when I wasn't happy at least I was thin. I am determined more than ever to not gain any weight. or at least as little as possible. I can't handle this 1 pound a week thing. It is just WAY to much for me. My body doesn't need that and a 6 pound baby doesn't need that either. 

My thoughts of pregnancy were so completely different then what I am actually going through. I feel like such a let down. I feel like such a failure. I feel like my problems are too strong.. even to help supply to another life.. and for that I feel hopeless.

Stats:
Week 17+5
Height-5'5
Start Weight- 93
Current Weight- 112

#PrayForTalia

Talia is a 13 year old girl who is struggling deeply fighting off her 6 year battle with stage for Neuroblastoma Cancer. Please pray for her comfort during her last days here on earth, along with everyone else who is suffering from this dreadful illness! 

The Magical Clippy Trick!

Hey! So, now that it is summer, I know us girls can suffer from "Backney" or "Back Acne" it can be something you don't really care about, or something that you are very self conscious about. Well, either way, here is a trick you can try to help prevent it.

Often times, acne is produced by the pores on your skin getting clogged. Now while you can have this happen by the natural production of oils in your skin, things such as lotions and conditioners can often contribute this this problem as well. If you happen to be someone with more of a dryer skin or even an oil skin because of sweat and heat, try this little trick.

In between letting the shampoo and conditioner sitting on your hair, clip your hair up in a clippy claw! This will aid in keeping the thick product off of your back that can potentially clog the pores and cause acne! Genius right?! And so simple and cheap to do! This will also allow for your hair to be off your neck and shoulders so you can really enjoy the water pound relaxing you without the fear of it rinsing the product out of your hair or having to hold your hair out of the way!

Hope you enjoyed my little tip/trick of the day!!

Xoxo SaraJoy

Follow Your Dreams!!